Filed under: BenefitsPro, Branding You, Broker Innovation Lab, Charity, Combs & Company, Combs & Company Blog, Feature Friday, Giving Back, Health Insurance, Insurance Women, Marketing, Successful Women, Susan L Combs | Tags: Combs & Company, Dawn McFarland, Ellevate Foundation, Feature Friday, Innovative Broker Lab, Nancy Giacolone, Pancakes for Roger, Stephanie Berger, Susan L Combs
“Be teachable. You’re not always right.” – Anonymous This quote got me thinking about all the people I look up to, both inside and outside of our industry.
By Susan L Combs | June 10, 2024 at 08:13 AM
Click here for original article on BenefitsPro!
If you roll in my circle, you know I’m a massive fan of pictorial quotes that catch my eye on social media. I actually have an album on my phone whereI save these nuggets of information for when I need an internal pep talk or see a friend struggling. I was taught by my late father that if you get a good piece of information, it’s your obligation to share it with someone. After all, if it helped you, it will probably help someone else.
So here is one I heard recently that I thought was such a good reminder:
“Be teachable. You’re not always right.” – Anonymous
Talk about taking a little wind out of your sails, huh? The quote got me thinking about all the people I look up to, both inside and outside of our industry. When I started thinking about what they have in common, I realized that they are always open to learning. Whether sharing an article they read, taking on a new designation, or just learning a new product or process, they are open to making themselves better and helping those around them.
I will tell you, starting a non-profit over the last year has definitely been a reminder of this simple phrase. Serving on non-profit boards, even in a national capacity, doesn’t come close to running one. I’m sure my good friend Stephanie Berger would echo this after launching her Ellevate Foundation in recent years. So many different rules and nuances make it as different from running a for-profit company as different as comparing bicycles to oranges.
What do you do?
I often hear my dad in my head when I screw something up: “Suz, this is a teachable moment.” As long as we find lessons along the way, it can soften the blow of feeling like a failure. But we must remain open. Every time I show someone how to do a task, I think it’s important to give them the freedom to shift the process so that it makes sense to them. I typically say something like, “We’ve got to get from A to B; I don’t care how you do it, just get to B.” Then I show them how I do it, and often they come up with a different way and get the same result. It’s important to check your ego at the door and let someone work in a capacity that makes sense to them.
I also think it’s important to surround yourself with people who give you the grace to learn, even when people see you as being at the top of your game. For example, I’m the last person you want handling your Medicare account, but I have friends like Dawn McFarland or Nancy Giacolone, who let me ask what I deem as “stupid questions” and don’t make me feel like an idiot when I do.
Embracing the mindset of being teachable is essential for personal and professional growth — and sometimes, for avoiding epic fails. Whether saving inspirational quotes, running an insurance brokerage consulting firm, or starting a non-profit, life constantly reinforces the value of remaining open to learning and adapting. It’s about recognizing that we don’t have all the answers and that’s perfectly OK.
My dad was great at reminding me of the teachable moments when I would make a mistake, which sounds a lot better than “You really effed that up!” – though I heard that too when I needed a reality check. Whether you learn by feather or by sword, it’s through these moments that we evolve. By surrounding ourselves with supportive people who encourage us to ask questions and explore new ideas, we not only enrich our own lives but also contribute positively to those around us.
What’s something new you learned recently?
Filed under: BenefitsPro, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Combs & Company Blog, Feature Friday, Motivational, Successful Women, Women in Insurance | Tags: Chiefs, Combs & Company, Graduation, Motivational, Susan L Combs
Harrison Butker’s recent controversial commencement speech got me thinking about what I would say to graduates who are embarking on their next journey and reminiscing about some things that were said to me along the way.
By Susan L Combs | May 17, 2024 at 04:59 PM
Click here for original article on BenefitsPro!
I’m on a flight back to NYC from Missouri and I’ve been reflecting a lot about where I come from and where I made my adult life and feeling a lot of gratitude. With graduation season upon us, I think back to when I graduated from high school in 1997, with a class of 15 students in a small farming community called King City, in the Northwest corner of Missouri. I had a full ride in Chemical Engineering with an Air Force ROTC Scholarship to the University of Missouri and I thought my life was all mapped out. What I never expected was basically an opposite career path that involved six declared majors, graduating with a Hospitality degree from the College of Agriculture, Food and Natural Resources and landing a job to be a banquet manager in New York City at the World Trade Center in May of 2001. And then a few short years later, I transitioned into the realm of insurance and have remained here for the past two decades.
When I think about this journey, it reminds me of the quote by Henning Mankell: “You can have more than one home. You can carry your roots with you, and decide where they grow.”
Over the past week, as I was back in Missouri, there was a lot of news about Harrison Butker’s commencement speech, which took place at a small Benedictine college about 30 minutes from where I grew up. Let’s just say as a progressive career woman, there were a lot of parts for me that went over like a lead balloon. I’m not into talking politics or religion, but it got me thinking about what I would say to graduates who are embarking on their next journey and reminiscing about some things that were said to me. So here goes…
Dear Graduate—-
You have permission to soar.
I had a father who had one foot in the world and one foot back on the farm, which means I was shown a unique perspective while growing up. Our mother owned a travel agency, and our father was a Major General in the Air Force and a civilian judge, which allowed my brother Matt and I to be shown the world at a young age. We were exposed to different people, places and ideas that helped us learn that the world was bigger than our backyard; however, we were never dissuaded from returning back to our hometown if that’s what we decided to do.
We were given permission to soar.
We were never told that something was outside of our reach or that we’d be better served by taking an easier road. We were encouraged to dream endlessly, think big, use logic, embrace differences, do for others when we can, build a tremendous work ethic, and that nothing would be handed to us. My father also told us to “be careful of the toes you step on today, because they could be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.”
They gave us permission to soar.
But the best lesson I think I learned when I reflect on my nearly 20 years as a business owner, is the simple lesson of being open. You will come to a place, some years from now, where you will look back on the points of your life that have made a significant impact in your trajectory in this world. And if you are like me, each point where I had my next big success was when I was open to something new. New certifications or designations in my career, new products to learn and educate others about, new leadership and board opportunities, new roles as a public speaker, author or as a founder of a non-profit. When I was open, I was allowed the fortitude to grow more as a person, to be tenacious, and to build character.
I gave myself permission to soar.
I haven’t achieved all of this on my own; I have an incredible crew and tribe of both men and women who inspire me to keep pushing forward and striving to be better every day. This is my hope for you: Remember that no one gets where they are alone. Surround yourself with people who will lift you up and help you reach the next level. Never apologize for wanting more for yourself, for having a seat at the table, for being the breadwinner, for building an empire, for deciding to get married (or not), for deciding to have children (or not), or for being true to yourself.
You have permission to soar.
As you embark on this next chapter of your life, whatever that may look like, it’s important to remember where you came from, as this has built your foundation. However, also give yourself the space and opportunity to grow. Your upbringing will shape your perspectives, but you might discover that some of the things you’ve learned along the way are completely wrong. Embracing this can be a tremendous life lesson if you are willing to learn it.
Often, we try to shrink ourselves to fit into the places we’ve outgrown, but a square peg will never fit in a round hole; so bring your own saw and make that sonuvabitch fit. Take the time to see the good in every situation—the more you focus on the good, the more you’ll inspire others to do the same.
And don’t forget…
You have permission to soar.
Warmly,
Susan L Combs
Filed under: BenefitsPro, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Combs & Company Blog, Mental Health, Motivational, Successful Women, What's the Good News, Ladies? | Tags: Combs & Company, Innovative Broker Lab, Insurance 101, Susan L Combs
I’ve talked to countless colleagues from around the country who are at their wit’s end with abusive clients, ill-mannered employees of clients, overworked staff, and personal exhaustion.
By Susan L Combs | February 01, 2024 at 07:51 AM
Click here for original article on BenefitsPro!
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about the most recent 4th Quarter. I’ve talked to countless colleagues from around the country who are at their wit’s end with, let’s call it for what it is: abusive clients, ill-mannered employees of clients, overworked staff, and personal exhaustion. In our office, we did a postmortem earlier this month and vowed that “we aren’t doing things that way EVER again.” But the thing is, we didn’t change anything from years prior – the change came from the people and personalities of those we encountered. This is making us take a step back and figure out which systems, policies and procedures we can put in place so we don’t have a repeat in 2024.
But one word keeps coming up: boundaries.
Now, I know many of us pride ourselves on our lightning-fast response time, but the expectations of instant gratification in all aspects of our life seems to be reaching a whole new level. I can’t tell you how many times our office gets an email after 8pm from someone, only to have them “follow up” again by 7 the next morning. If the tables were turned, do you think they would want one of their clients treating them this way?
I began taking only scheduled phone calls about 10 years ago, which was really hard to do in the beginning. But man, this was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself in business. I found that if I was working on a project for a client, and then I answered the phone, it would shift my attention from what I was doing. I would then have to take the time to help or delegate and then shift my brain back to the project I was working on. It was incredibly inefficient.
I have other colleagues who only check their emails twice a day and block out their calendars so their office knows exactly when that will take place — and clients also come to know that routine eventually. I’ve never been one to do that, but I block my calendar like nobody’s business, and stick to it about 90% of the time. My office knows which blocks can be shifted if a call or meeting needs to be scheduled, but they also know not to delete any blocks.
I also think it’s interesting that different parts of the country have different expectations. We are in NYC, where everything was needed yesterday. And for the most part, we seem to always have this magic wand to make that happen. But heading into 2024, we are going to start being harder on deadlines and what is expected from our clients, because our office is the one who suffers with the extra hours and extra stress while our clients carry on during the holidays footloose and fancy free.
I saw a sign this morning that said, “Sure, let me drop everything to fix the problem you caused.” And it honestly made me laugh out loud, because if you are in this industry, you know how true that can be. You can educate, you can explain, but people want what they want when they want it, and they want you to make it happen at all costs. I still laugh when I remember a client firing me and threatening to sue me because I wouldn’t put his unborn child on the health insurance before the birth. Yeah, he really didn’t have boundaries….
So, what are your plans for 2024? Are you making some shifts in your office? Are you adding new staffing roles? Working with new vendors? I’d love to hear what’s going to set you up for a successful 2024!
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Filed under: BenefitsPro, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Combs & Company Blog, Happy Holidays, Health Insurance, Innovation Broker Lab, Innovative Broker Lab, Insurance Education, Insurance Women, Marketing, Motivational, Susan L Combs | Tags: BenefitsPro, Chelea Rykis, Cingeworthy Sales Tactics, Colleen Blum, Erika Ensign, Nancy Giacolone, Pancakes for Roger, Paychex, Sales Tactics, Susan L Combs, The Syrup
Original Article on BenefitsPro
It’s 4th Quarter, which means it’s also open enrollment. We are all tired, overworked and keep saying over and over to ourselves, “Just get through it.” But then…as my friend, Allison Cohen De Paoli put it so perfectly, you get “assaulted” by yet another vendor trying to sell you during the absolute busiest time of year, and you just can’t take it anymore.
After sharing some texts with my crew (Erika, Chelsea, Colleen & Nancy), it got me thinking that we can’t be the only ones. This prompted me to send an email to my list of about 300 women who have been featured in the “What’s the Good News, Ladies?” series over the years and see if others had stories to share.
Boy, did they! In less than 48 hours, over 50 women responded back with annoying, rude and downright appalling examples of how salespeople have approached them during this time of year.
So maybe this is a little bit of a public service announcement; maybe it’s a little eff you; or maybe it’s a little “how to sell to a woman 101.” Because people, you are missing it, and you are missing it big! You know why? I’m dropping some knowledge on you right here in case you didn’t know: According to American Express and the SBA, over 42% of businesses in the U.S. are owned by women and women make up over 51% of the U.S. population! And according to Forbes, 85% of women control or influence consumer spending. That means there are over 330 MILLION women who will sing your praises if you get it right, but they will run the bus right over you, hit reverse and do it again if you get it wrong. We will screenshot your email, text, LinkedIn DM or forward the voicemail to each other and we will remember to avoid you and your company’s services at all costs, because what’s the rule you should never forget?
Hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Buckle up and take note, because you are getting a golden list that is the compilation of many uber successful women in our industry, including award winners, top producers, business owners and badasses. If you are in sales, print this out and put it where you can see it and then never do these things.
- The Gift Givers: Not the ones who are sending you a thank you for the business; we mean the ones who are trying to bribe you for a meeting. Gift cards and even shoes were offered to some of these women. What’s wrong with this? It can be looked at as rebating in some states and if you are a vendor with a license, you can lose it. And just as importantly, you make us feel gross.
- Bate and Switch – Recruiting: More than one woman emailed and said she had recruiters pose as a potential client. The meeting is booked, but once on the call, they realized it was a recruiter trying to hire them away. Do you really think someone worth their salt is going to come work for you when you have basically lied your way into a meeting and showed your ethical character?
- Bate and Switch – “I’m Interested in Your Services”: I’ve heard a few people bring this one up: Someone reaches out to you via email or social media, saying they’re interested in your services, so you set up a meeting. But once you get on the meeting, they have a full PowerPoint presentation on selling THEIR services. So not only did the vendor waste the person’s time as they prepared for what they thought was their own prospect meeting, they completely disrespected them by pushing the vendor’s agenda over theirs.
- Beauty and the Beast: I know you have all gotten this one, if you take a second to think about it. A breath of fresh air enters your inbox: finally, a well thought out email or message from someone that has done their homework! You accept the connection, but five seconds later, you get a spam sales pitch message and a link to set up a meeting. I had this happen recently and ignored it two times. By the third one, I was a little less than nice and said, “Dude, read the room. It’s open enrollment and if you really work with brokers, you’d know asking for a meeting right now is the kiss of death.” His response was basically that OE ends in 2 weeks (is he out of his mind?) and he wants to be one of the first people I reach out to. My response? I deleted the connection, took a screenshot and sent it to my friends, who won’t ever meet with him. Bravo.
- Badmouthing: You know how your gramma always told you, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? If the only way you feel that you can get business is by throwing others under the bus, are you really that good of a salesperson? One guy basically told one of woman that she was dumb because of the software she was using!
- Spam: “Hi…your profile looks interesting…” Raise your hand if you get 10 of these a week. Do you really feel like this is a differentiator? If someone makes me laugh, I always accept, even if I have never met them. But if it’s the same canned outreach, I delete it. And most others do, too!
- Not Knowing Your Audience: Man, this one came up a lot. Salespeople basically throwing spaghetti to the wall and hoping it sticks, but missing the mark because they didn’t take any time to really look at who you are as a professional. The sad thing with this one is, that they probably could have gotten a meeting if they did a little homework.
- Lying: I have to give a big shout out to the sales training I got from Paychex (I know my girl Rachel McLauchlin will echo this) as I really feel like it was some of the best. Two things I always remember: 1. If you sell on price, you’ll lose on price. 2. Never lie. One example I got of this was someone basically swiping a mutual connections LinkedIn list and pretending that the mutual connection recommended that they connect. When she called the mutual connection to see what was up, she discovered the deception and said, “I will not do business with him now.” So, this guy not only burned one bridge, he burned two, along with all the other people they will tell! (Gas up the bus, girls!)
- Did you Get My Email?: This one came up like 10 times. It can also be worded as “Let me bump this up to the top.” Most don’t get the hint that you didn’t respond for a reason and so keep on sending. Or they get a read receipt when you open the email, so then they have someone else who is supposed to be higher up in the firm reach out to you and say they know “you’ve been talking with their colleague.” So many of these do not have an “unsubscribe” feature, so you just end up blocking them.
- The Unapproved Meeting Request: Nothing grates on me more, and this was brought up by over half of the women who responded. If you are doing this, stop. Just stop. I don’t know who taught you this, but it’s wrong. It’s intrusive. It conveys that you think their time and schedule should be controlled by you. It’s dishonest. Think of the other person. Would you be thrilled if someone you had never met walked into your house, sat down at your dinner table and said, “Oh, is now a bad time?” I generally have a “three strikes and you’re out” rule, but this one is an immediate banishment in my book. I will never take a meeting from them and everyone I have talked to has similar feelings. Especially this time of year, we are all tired and overworked. When a funny meeting appears on our schedule that we don’t know anything about and we respond to the sender to get a little more information and find out it’s a sales pitch,, queue explosion. Hell, hath no fury….
If you couldn’t tell, I had a lot of time writing this and I hope you had fun reading it. I know we are all running on empty right now, so hopefully this gave you a little reprieve from the stress we all have this time of year. Maybe you got a little insight into how to sell to a woman and realized you might be doing some of these things in one way or another. Or maybe you just nodded your head throughout because you felt a connection to others in our industry. My hope is that it gave you a few laughs, headshakes and maybe a face palm, too.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank those who helped with this article; the emails that came in were just so much fun to read! Hang in there, ladies, and if you need a bus driver, I got you!
Filed under: BenefitsPro, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Combs & Company Blog, Giving Back, Happy Holidays, Insurance Women, Susan L Combs, Women in Insurance | Tags: Be Of Service, BenefitsPro, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Loneliness, Nancy Giacolone, Susan L Combs
This month, 2023 BenefitsPRO Broker of the Year, Nancy Giacolone, shares her thoughts on coping with loneliness during the holiday season and beyond.
By Susan L Combs and Nancy Giacolone | November 21, 2023 at 08:21 AM
Original Article on BenefitsPro
This month’s edition of “The Syrup” has a special ingredient! It’s our current Broker of the Year and my dear friend, Nancy Giacolone. Nancy and I have been peer mentors to each other for a number of years and we recently had a conversation about loneliness. It’s a topic that we have seen come up with our own families, as our mothers are both widows. We have also witnessed it with colleagues and clients in our industry. Our discussion led to a guest authorship for this month’s article to tackle this topic and shine some light on some of the things we don’t always think about as the holidays roll around.
And with that, I’ll turn things over to Nancy.
The festive music, twinkling lights, and cheer that fill the air as the holiday season approaches are often thought of as universal markers of joy and togetherness.
Yet, for a growing number of people, this time of year may amplify feelings of isolation, highlighting the stark contrast between societal expectations of warmth and camaraderie and their own personal experiences of solitude.
The “loneliness epidemic,” as health professionals and social scientists have termed it, is an increasingly recognized public health concern that does not pause for the holidays. In fact, it often intensifies during this time of year.
A recent Gallup Poll found that loneliness is not confined to the elderly. They reported that nearly 25% of adults feel very lonely, and younger people feel significantly lonelier, with the loneliest group being between the ages of 19-20.
Loneliness has been linked to a myriad of health issues, both mental and physical. The risk of developing conditions such as heart disease, depression, anxiety, and a weakened immune system is higher among those who experience chronic loneliness.
Alarmingly, some studies have equated the health risks of prolonged loneliness to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Furthermore, loneliness can lead to a vicious cycle, where the lonelier one feels, the less they engage socially, exacerbating one’s isolation.
Gatherings, family traditions, and social festivities typically characterize the holidays. However, they can also serve as a magnifying glass for one’s social situation, illuminating the quality and quantity of our relationships.
For those who are estranged from family, have recently lost loved ones, or are far from home, the season can be a reminder of what — or who — is missing.
The proliferation of social media adds another layer, as idealized depictions of holiday happiness can deepen the sense of exclusion for those who feel their reality doesn’t measure up.
So, what can you do if you are experiencing feelings of loneliness this time of the year?
- Frequent “third places.” These places are not home or work, but locations where people gather socially. Think parks, coffee shops, libraries, churches, or sporting events. Meeting people in places where you share a common interest will help foster connections.
- Volunteer. Volunteering takes the focus off of yourself and puts it on others, which can foster a sense of purpose and community.
- Community events. Holiday concerts, festivals, or bazaars are great places to meet and connect with others. Not to mention, they usually have some good music and tasty treats!
- Visit someone you know may be lonely as well. Maybe you have an elderly neighbor who lives alone. Dropping by with a plate of cookies to check on them may be just the lifeline you are both looking for!
- Although technology is no substitute for in-person interaction, sometimes it can help bridge the gap! Does your family live across the country? Have a Zoom holiday party or create a new tradition where you decorate your trees together virtually.
The holiday season should be a time of joy and connection, but for those experiencing loneliness, it can be particularly challenging. By acknowledging this reality and taking proactive steps to address the loneliness epidemic, we can extend the spirit of the holidays to include compassion, inclusivity, and community. The gift of connection might be the most precious one we can offer in a season marked by giving.
Filed under: BenefitsPro, Branding You, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Combs & Company Blog, Insurance Women, Motivational, Successful Women, Women in Insurance | Tags: BenefitsPro, Broker Innovation Lab, Business Owner, Colleen Blum, Combs & Company, Eric Silverman, Insurance Consulting, Susan L Combs, Working On Your Business
Original Article on BenefitsPro
By Susan L Combs | November 01, 2023 at 07:38 AM
Before we dive into our next topic, I want to just say “thank you”. I received countless emails, texts, direct messages and comments on the last edition, The Syrup – Mental Illness and Seeing the Unseen, from people who felt brave enough to share their own stories with me. It deeply touched me and as a contributor to this publication for over a decade, I can honestly say this is the most feedback I have ever received on an article. I’m glad it struck a chord with some and hope you felt a little more “seen” in this crazy thing called life.
Our next topic was brought up by the legendary Eric Silverman, who is also a frequent BenefitsPRO contributor, podcast host and enhanced benefits guru. He brought up the age-old topic of working on your business versus working in your business, something I think many entrepreneurs and business owners struggle with.
Before we tackle this, let’s first define and clarify so we are all on the same page. I think of working “in your business” as more about managing the immediate tasks and responsibilities necessary to keep the wheels on the bus, while working “on your business” involves strategic thinking and planning to ensure its long-term success and growth.
Some examples that might make it easier to think about would be:
- Working In Your Business: The hands-on stuff like selling or consulting on insurance, customer service, admin work and managing the day-to-day operations.
- Working On Your Business: The big picture work that looks more at the future, both near and far. Things like strategic planning, market research for opening a new office location, business development strategy, marketing, and long-term goal setting.
Some of the most successful people in our industry have found a way to balance these two approaches or to bring someone in to help. Because let’s face it, not all of us are good at doing both. If you are a person that is a bit of a dreamer and known to say things like “What would it look like if…”, then you are probably good with working on your business. But you also need to have people in your company that who keep the wheels on the bus while you have your head in the clouds, or you won’t have the revenue coming in to implement your dreams and reach your goals. These are the “In Your Business” people. Typically, your Type A’s that have to-do lists are the ones that are great on implementation and structure to hit your dreamer goals and can pull you back down to earth when you need a healthy dose of reality.
Honestly, I can be a bit of both when I’m in the right environment and surrounded by the right people. I love dreaming and I’m a taskmaster and a freaking machine when it comes to work, but I need the balance of others to run a successful company. When we brought in Sean O’Rourke as CFO over seven years ago, it became a gamechanger for the company. He has a much different approach, comes from outside the industry and was exactly what we needed to get us to the next level. Our revenue has grown steadily year after year since I opened the doors in 2005, but his strategic approach and high-level thinking put us in a financial position where we didn’t even blink when a national pandemic hit.Andhe has pushed my business Partner, Colleen Blum and myself to think about taking on new opportunities, to grow our consulting arm and to become one of the leading expert witness firms in the area we practice. All because we have an internal balance within the company.
One of my favorite things is when the three of us are brainstorming, because you get the logic, the passion and the money aspects looked at and it makes for a better way to set and accomplish goals, both short and long term.
I know many readers are sole props who are struggling with doing it all and figuring out how to take things to the next level. To be honest, you probably can’t do it alone. Eric and I talked about this recently and discussed how many business owners talk about not being about to afford bringing someone in. We both remembered when we made the decision. Eric said he had the same mindset 20 years ago, but “Once I finally made the leap of faith to hire someone to help, my business took off like a rocket. Making the decision was the hardest part. But once the decision was made, the ‘doing’ became effortless.”
As I close out this edition of The Syrup, I’d like you to think about when Eric made his leap. Very rarely does an entrepreneur have someone come up to them and hand them a few million dollars to start a company. Most of us started our businesses on sweat equity and the change from our couch cushions. And while moxie and grit can get you far in this industry, also remind yourself to be smart enough to know what you know, and to know what you don’t know. Check your ego and bring in people who aren’t just like you, but can help you soar; most successful business owners find a balance between working In and on their business, as both are crucial for the overall health and sustainability of a business. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all strive for?
Filed under: Affordable Care Act, BenefitsPro, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Combs & Company Blog, Health Insurance, Insurance Women, Mental Health, Pancakes for Roger, Susan L Combs, Women in Insurance, Women's Health | Tags: Addiction, Breaking Point, Broker Innovation Lab, Combs & Company, Family, Mental Health, Susan L Combs
By Susan L Combs | October 04, 2023 at 07:19 AM
Original Article on BenefitsPro
I’ve struggled with even starting this article, but this topic has been weighing on my mind for well over a year. In our industry, we talk so much about mental health and wellness, which is great. And as those of us in the industry know, under the Affordable Care Act (ACA), we now have Mental Health Parity. And in some places like New York, even before the ACA we had things like Timothy’s Law that gave New Yorkers access to unlimited mental health sessions in network years prior. This is all incredible.
But you know what we haven’t talked about?
The family of the mentally ill or person struggling with addiction. The people who are showing up as caregivers time and time again only to have their hearts broken for the umpteenth time.
I know I live a pretty open life and many of you reading this probably know that I have been sober for over two decades. I’ve chosen a path for myself that has led me to have an incredible life, and I am grateful that I learned at an early age what a degree from the School of Hard Knocks had to offer by making some pretty big mistakes for myself prior to the age of 23. But I know I put my family through a lot and I own it. I have gone on to make my amends and mend the fences that were damaged but not broken. I have worked hard to try and make the right choice each day for myself and others. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’m perfect or that I don’t blunder and step in it from time to time.
I’m not a big one for having regrets, because I truly feel that you are denying yourself your place in the world right now when you say you have them. I choose to not regret the things I have done because I know that they shaped me as the person I am today and as a result, I have been able to help others. But I broke my parents’ hearts. I made the General cry…
Until recently, I don’t think I realized what it was like being in my parents’ shoes. Dealing with someone who is being irrational when you are trying to be logical can be the definition of frustrating. But about a year and a half ago, I got a major life lesson that I didn’t want and certainly didn’t need. This all comes back to a promise I made to my dad before he passed. My dad and I were “Team Type A” in our family, and I knew that when he was dying, he needed to take comfort in knowing that everything would be OK within our family unit. I promised my dad that “I got this” and that I’d look after my mom and my brothers. The year before my dad passed, “Team Type A” got together and we spreadsheeted, we had all the information organized, I knew who to call if a pipe burst in our little apartment building, I knew who to call to sell the Winnebago, I knew who to talk to about VA benefits that passed to my mom, I had all the passwords, we had everything mapped out. But we didn’t talk about my oldest brother, who has dealt with severe mental illness for well over three decades. We just missed it.
Eighteen months ago, I had my ass handed to me. I had never dealt with a mentally ill person who had gone off their meds. It’s uncomfortable; it’s hard. Everything logical doesn’t work. It reminded me about being around someone who is highly intoxicated, which as a sober person, feels unsafe. It was triggering. He ended up getting arrested and then things really got tough. I’m in NYC, he’s in Kansas; there is so much I can do from here….but I promised my dad. This was a dance I had to make up as I went along. A legal eviction led us to have to purchase a home for him to live in, because no rentals would take him with a felony record, a legal eviction, and other charges. I lost a lot of sleep, but ultimately, I felt that I “fixed” the problem, because I am nothing if not tenacious and can basically figure out any problem you give me. But you can’t fix mental illness. You can’t throw money at it and hope it goes away. You can’t pray it away. You can’t act like it doesn’t exist. Because guess what? When you think things are fine, when you start sleeping soundly and things feel back to normal, it breaks again. And it did. It broke again a few months ago, which led to an involuntary commitment into a state hospital. I don’t think it’s necessary to give you a play by play of what happened, but when death threats are happening and you are being told by your brother that he, “Just got off the phone with Dad” (our father passed away in 2018) it’s rough. It makes you want to run away from the situation and never look back.
But I promised.But what did I promise? Did I promise I would put my own health on the line at the sacrifice of someone else? No. Did I promise I would be a horrible boss and a shit wife because I didn’t have the capacity to show up in the world for the people who depend on me? No. Did I promise to put so much stress on myself that I would have chronic diarrhea for 6 weeks straight because I carry my stress in my stomach? No. Would my father want me to work so hard at fixing an unfixable problem for someone who doesn’t put the work in for themselves? Absolutely not. But I did and I have.
When is it time to walk away?
When is it time to put your own mental health and wellbeing first?
I honestly can’t answer those questions for you, because I’m still figuring that out for myself. But I can tell you what I have done. I have shared about it in my 12-step program, I have shared about it with my therapist, and I’ve shared about it with my tight crew. But you know where I’ve gotten the most support? Just like there is a “Dead Dad’s Club” that you never know about until you are indoctrinated into it, there is the “Mental Illness Family Club” and those are the people who have really helped during this time. Those who have it in their families know how hard it can be. How thankless it can be. How “I’ll never get an apology” it can be. How unaccountable it can be. How abusive it can be. To my Superman fans, it’s what I picture Bizarro World to be. And it sucks.
This article isn’t meant to be a “poor me” piece; like I said before, I have a big beautiful life and I was given so many tools and lessons in my life that have prepared me for this … kinda. This article is meant to see the unseen. For those of you who are in this boat, please know that you aren’t alone. I encourage you to share your stories and find support where you can get it. It’s up to you what that looks like.
Don’t ever apologize for putting your wellbeing first when someone is making you the price of admission.
Be brave.
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